It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
