Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
