wanna go halves on a baby?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
