White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
