I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
youre lurking in front of me
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
