sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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