Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
