Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
