Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
