he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
