3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
