I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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