I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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