This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
3pm strippers are depressing
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
