One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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