Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So many bounce houses so little time
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
