Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
