she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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