I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
