I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
