Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
