I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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