Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
