His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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