I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
