tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
