everyone is single if you try hard enough
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
