Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
