I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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