I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
