I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
