Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
either way he was missing a nipple.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize