3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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