rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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