Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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