note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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