when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
