she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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