Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
