we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
