Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
