if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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