dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
