I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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