At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
