Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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