I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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