His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
