had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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