I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
