I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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