my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize