I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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