i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
