Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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