i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
