She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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